Xanga is bullshit, its a waste of time, i want to live my live. not write about it.

I’m back…but is anyone still here?

I was gone from xanga, and my writing for a bit too long.

The reason being, I found a shit hole called myspace, which was fickle and rarely worked, and a boyfriend. But you already know about the boyfriend.

I have, grown a lot to say the least, and the struggle between who I am, and who I want to be has grown so much more. I know what my family wants of me, and expects of me. This has been bashed down my throat more recently because a cousin of mine got married a week or so ago. They’ve been talking about me, marrying within the family; so we can get some cousin of mine over here, work. I understand why they want to do it, I understand how it works, but I don’t understand why they would ask that of me. They seem to have this idea that I won’t ever find someone to be with.

And although, this was true, it no longer is. I know that I want to marry Darrell, and I know he wants to marry me. This is because two days ago, he proposed. There is no ring, because my family doesn’t know about him, but there is a promise. And that’s all I need. I know that I love him. Which is scary and exciting. I know that with him, I have something I’ve never had with someone else. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything, talk about everything, and he gets it.

I am glad, through all of my changes; I’ve had my best friend, Laura near. Whenever I need someone to talk to she’s there. I feel so, happy that I have to people in my life, who I care for, and who care for me.

…

I’ve started the South Beach diet, I’ve jumped on the low carb bandwagon, and the thing is, it kinda works. I still don’t really know yet, but I am going to a gym, and hopefully by summers end, I’ll lose some extra weight, so I can buy more rad sweaters come fall.

I suppose I should post something interesting.

I’ve been exploring myself politically, seeing how right winged I can truly get, and where I belong on that line of right and left. I am, not longer identifying with the leftist; I do not feel that race and gender are issues to politically charge with the rhetoric of the civil rights movement.   There is no oppression; it’s in your head because you want something to fight for, because you want to feel good. It’s very self-serving, and I am sick of it. Do something good, untie the nation, don’t otherize yourselves anymore, it doesn’t do anything, it solves no problem, its just a nuisance. I am, a republican, registered and proud. I feel that this party allows a lot more dissent, there is a lot more room for discussion, then angry Marxist rhetoric, a lot more logos then pathos, and I feel more comfortable at this moment in my life, defining myself as a right-winger. No, I don’t fit the old white man mold, but it doesn’t matter. They don’t really care, and I like it that way, it’s much more color blind, and I have room to impress, if they aren’t. I felt my race being an issue when I identified with the left, and with the right I simply don’t feel it is far.

<3

My boyfriend is absolutely perfect for me, even though we have small tiffs here and there, I can’t say I’ve ever this way about another person before. He is my best friend, lover and intellectual companion. I can’t stress how happy life has become for me, and how glad I am that I’ve found him this early on in life. I love his family, and his dog, who for some reason seems to be jealous of me, and friends.

Fuck.

Things are going so well right now, and I think that even if my mother gets angry with me again, I won’t care, because he won’t leave me. And I refuse to leave him because I am supposed to marry some rich Pakistani businessman. I refuse to marry for anything other then love, and I refuse to confine myself to one race to fall in love with. It’s so silly; they stress western education, yet if you act western, they get upset. It’s not my fault that I’ve assimilated, I don’t care, I live in the states, and I feel no connection to Pakistan, nor will I ever, I don’t hold the same values and mores as my parents do, I hold my own, and they, are unique to me. They can’t make me into someone I’m not, and I hope that they are ok with that before they die. They have to accept who I am, and be proud of it, even if I don’t live up to their expectations as a Pakistani girl.

Things I love:

Sex

Love

Food

Weed

Friends

Alcohol

Learning

Being Happy. [Most important]

Things that make me sick:

The tsunami coverage, I understand that it was a tragic natural disaster, and that, the most of the countries that were hit, were poorer nations, and they desperately need aid, but I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Maybe I’m apathetic to human suffering around the world, and jaded, but I care more about the war in Iraq, the daily suicide/homicide bombings, and the upcoming election, all of it. I want to know about the social security crisis, how those in the Iraqi prison scandal are going to be punished, since they’ve been found guilty.

The protests on inauguration day, ok I get it, ‘bush lied children died’. The war isn’t going as well as we hoped, and well things, in general suck. But this whole idea, of either not spending money, or going out and making a ruckus, is pointless. I’m all for protest, but when there is a real reason for it. He won, people want him, sure it’s only 54% of the people, but it’s the majority. I wish that instead of whining and bitching, the left would, do something to make a real impact, talking to the congress people that they elect, telling them how to vote. I wish that the democrats were more organized, and had a definite stand on the issues, but I think that they aren’t strong as they should be.

Some happy news:

I’ve had coffee! (Amy you know what I mean.) It was interesting, although we had it in the Barnes and Noble parking lot, in a car. Oh well, it was exciting, slightly painful, and overall, perfect.

I enjoy being happy, and being in love, even though most of my writing is greatly suffering from it. I haven’t been able to sit and brood about how awful life is, I only can function, when I have a cape of misery on.

I am a misanthrope in recovery.

Currently Playing Hellogoodbye By Hellogoodbye see related

Life has changed a lot

Monday:

I spent all day in the library and it sucked, I was listening to Death Cab For Cutie and started cry a little bit, but not on purpose, I was simply depressed, due to my lack of friends, and the fact that I’m a bit socially retarded at times. So Monday sucked.

Tuesday:

I woke up depressed, and kept looking for someone to call, so I called Shannon and whined and told her about my utter lack of friends and people to talk to. She told me about her friend that went to CCC and I hoped I’d meet him someday I needed a friend. I took my Political Science final, and aced it. Because it wasn’t even that hard and everyone in that class is an ass hat.

So then I went downstairs and saw this fat Mexican kid that I remember from the debate team’s presentation, so I went up to him, found out his name, Ed, and asked him what the team was like, he asked me what I knew, and he was lame. He told me that I was going to be his partner and that I should meet him in LA 208, at 12:30 or so.

            So I went a little early, and saw a few people standing and waiting to. There was this very animated guy talking to some short Asian girl, and a very mean looking white chick. So I put my headphones on and looked around, and feeling so very alone. I took them off; the music was making me depressed. And then this animated guy was talking about globalization, so I mustered up some courage, and asked him if he was on the debate team. Who else would talk about globalization so excitedly?

            I introduced my self, and he looked at me and asked me if I was Shannon’s friend, and then it clicked, it was her friend, that guy, she had told me about, so I was excited, we talked for a few seconds, and he walked away and left me to talk with the small Asian girl, who ended up being really cool.

            I walked into class, their last day, and people had to do oral presentations, and I decided to sit through, I wanted to talk to this guy more, get a feel for the team, did I really want to join? I found out his name was Darrell, and I forgot it a few times, I’m awful with names, after I felt like I was following him around for too long, and was being annoying, I wanted to leave. But as I was leaving the classroom, I saw President, and I jumped on him, I was glad to see a friendly face. He looked at me funny for a second, and then he went back to being himself. He told me that CCC was all right but the DVC debate team was better, they had more funding, they were more competitive, etc. Darrell tried selling the team to me, and we talked shit about Ed. Then this creepy kid Kevin came around, and President and I snuck away to do what all of El Cerrito debaters do when we get together, talking shit.

            Darrell caught up with us, and I talked him into giving me a ride home, even though he lives in Pinole. So we got to his car and he was playing some classical music, and we just talked about ourselves to each other. When we got near my house, I decided I wanted to talk to him some more; we just started talking about politics, and talked about how awful liberal were, etc. etc. etc. so I asked him if he wanted to go to Barnes & Nobel, and he did, so we went. Pretty simple.

            We got there, and headed straight for the current affairs section (not surprising) and just talked about where we were politically, and I told him I identified with the Republican Party, even if I’m socially liberal, in a way. And told him about my undying love for Noam Chomsky, who in my eyes is god. He made fun of me for that. We talked a bit about fox news, and how being politically correct is incorrect. I mentioned my affinity for old men, and he laughed. Then Jada from high school shows up, hit on him, and I got jealous, then she left. We called Shannon to tell her we met each other, and hung out with her at Barnes & Noble for about five minutes.

            I got home, did some homework, nothing too special, then he came online, we talked a little bit, and we planed to meet on Wednesday, by this time, I was smitten, and having only known him little more then six hours. I went to sleep late thinking, about what we’ll do on Wednesday, and hoping that something good would happen.

Wednesday:

            I told him we’d meet around 10, because my final was supposed to start at 9. My final didn’t start until about 10:10, and by that point I was about to cry, I thought that he might of left, and thought that I was ditching him, which I wasn’t. I was the first person to finish my final, and ran out of the room, hoping I wasn’t too late. I was so close to crying until I saw my ‘friend’ Justin, and called up Darrell. He was in the parking lot, and said he’d come back. Justin and I sat down on a bench in front of the library, and I was a wreck, he made fun of me being so ‘emo’ and Darrell came.  He sat down for about a second, Justin left, and we decided to go back to his car. We drove around for a bit and went to his house.

            We got to his house, and it was nice, I asked if he had a dog, which he did, and I told him I love dogs, but am deathly allergic. Which sucks so much ass. We hung out on his couch, talked about our families a little bit. He kept getting up to play with his dog. He was so nervous, and I had absolutely no idea why.

I grew bored of just talking, so I lied and said I was tired, which I wasn’t, but it was a nice enough lie to get him to let me into his room. So we lay down, and I whispered that I liked him, and gave him a peck on his cheek, and then he kissed me.  And it went on like that for a while. No sounds or scribe could explain what I felt at that moment.

Today:

            We went for a walk by the ocean, and it was nice outside, things were said, but there was little was spoken, and all one could do was feel. I thought we were going to have a mild run in with the park ranger, guy. But he was picking up trash. It was windy and cold, the sun was shining in my eyes, and I’ve never been happier.

I haven’t know him for very long, and I do hope that we can be friends for a very long time, it is so rare in life to find out that there is someone that thinks like you, that can make you feel better by just being there, or saying something.

I feel so happy; I want to tell everyone that I met him, and that I am enamored beyond resurrection.

Currently Playing Transatlanticism By Death Cab for Cutie Lack of Color. see related